Kit's story, one of our heartfelt guests, brings us into the raw reality of motherhood, illustrating the power of resilience through the challenges of a preterm birth and a rare uterine condition. Imagine balancing the care for a tiny life with your own passions—a reflection on the unpredictability of life, where joy and struggle intertwine. We also share our own personal experiences with the emotional journey of pregnancy.
But life is as much about celebrating the small victories as it is about overcoming obstacles. That's why we also shed light on the incredible fighting spirit of Nash, Kit's son, who, despite his health challenges, is a beacon of hope and determination. And to keep the spirits high, we wrap up with a dose of humor—because, let's face it, sometimes all you need is a good habanero joke and a quirky chorus of 'meows' to remind us that laughter truly is the best medicine. Join us for an episode that spans the full spectrum of human emotion, where we're not just talking about life, we're living it right alongside you.
Kit's story, one of our heartfelt guests, brings us into the raw reality of motherhood, illustrating the power of resilience through the challenges of a preterm birth and a rare uterine condition. Imagine balancing the care for a tiny life with your own passions—a reflection on the unpredictability of life, where joy and struggle intertwine. We also share our own personal experiences with the emotional journey of pregnancy.
But life is as much about celebrating the small victories as it is about overcoming obstacles. That's why we also shed light on the incredible fighting spirit of Nash, Kit's son, who, despite his health challenges, is a beacon of hope and determination. And to keep the spirits high, we wrap up with a dose of humor—because, let's face it, sometimes all you need is a good habanero joke and a quirky chorus of 'meows' to remind us that laughter truly is the best medicine. Join us for an episode that spans the full spectrum of human emotion, where we're not just talking about life, we're living it right alongside you.
Hey guys, welcome back to Honor of SEAAVER. I'm Mack and you're here with Mack and Kelly.
Speaker 2:Sorry it's gonna take you. Maybe in 2024 you can get that right, maybe, maybe. What's up? What's new? What do you got Cookin' Christmas vacation?
Speaker 1:I got my butter brown cookies cookin', oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Is that what's happening at school when you're not there? That's what we did before we went on break.
Speaker 1:That's right on Friday. Okay, my brown butter cookies. They turned out pretty good, yeah, now what are you doing? They're very chocolatey. What are we doing? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I know. So when you say butter, brown cookies, brown butter yeah, brown butter it doesn't sound like it would be a chocolate chip cookie to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2:It's supposed to be brown butter butter, brown chocolate chip.
Speaker 1:Basically, yeah, oh, okay. Some of them are just like a chocolate chip cookie, got it, I don't know, but that's what we were doing at school. And then, oh, my goodness, I'm like why? And then, christmas, I'm gonna tell you what I got, okay, okay.
Speaker 3:You ready.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I got nothing. No, I'm kidding, that was me. I got. What are they called the thin things? I got Reese's, oh, reese's Thins, reese's Thins. They're in the freezer right now.
Speaker 2:It's the reason you've opened them up. I didn't know where they were, but now I know All right.
Speaker 1:And then I got a Tahitian tree. I'm an interesting person, I'm different. Tahitian tree.
Speaker 2:I think it's good those are stocking stuffers, yeah.
Speaker 1:I know I got stocking stuffers that are big stuff, oh okay. And then I got these chocolate-covered pretzels. Have you tried them?
Speaker 2:Yeah, are they good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're good. They're not flips. They're very chocolatey, are they yeah?
Speaker 2:I couldn't find the flips and I was not happy.
Speaker 1:And then I have one more thing oh yeah, the ferochets, or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know what, actually know how to say it. Right, roche Ferrero.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 2:I loved them when I was a kid and now you love them. I think it's cute that you do.
Speaker 1:I think they're good. I already ate a whole thing.
Speaker 2:I had one, so I'm glad. And then drumroll this is the big presents. Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:And then what else do I get? I can't think of it.
Speaker 2:Well, just say the things that are memorable.
Speaker 1:Okay, I got this elite controller. Ooh, I'm gonna go and modify it and take the pieces off and stuff. It doesn't take batteries, you just charge it.
Speaker 2:Nice, we're gonna save so much money.
Speaker 1:I know right. And then I got a gaming chair Woo it actually, because it reclines back and I have a feet, foot rest.
Speaker 2:Dang. Does it have a drink holder?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Well, what the heck Santa?
Speaker 1:It works out. I don't need a drink. I got the desk. I just put it in like one of the slots on the desk.
Speaker 2:That's probably good, because you'd probably spill your drink because you'd get all wild down there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:What else did you get? Just like a remember what Jordans.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's what I was trying to think of.
Speaker 2:Oh, I didn't know what you were. I was like I thought you were trying to think of stocking stuff or something I don't remember.
Speaker 1:No, yeah. And then I got yeah, Jordans.
Speaker 2:Sweet.
Speaker 1:I got a little bit of a hint of what I was trying to think of. I was like I like to call it cyanish color.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you go like. I just call it like a light blue.
Speaker 1:It's basically light blue.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like a light teal cyan. Whenever I hear cyan, I think of like a burnt orange for some reason, really yeah.
Speaker 1:It does sound like, you know, like the, you know houses in the deserts. Yeah, they're like that orange. Yeah, that's what it reminds you of Terracotta.
Speaker 2:That's a terracotta. Yeah, that's what I think of.
Speaker 1:Yeah, terracotta like color.
Speaker 2:Good job, good job with your colors. So did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So your birthday soon, not what are you going to do for your birthday? What yeah, that's a spoiler, because I want to tell them what I got.
Speaker 2:Okay, so yeah, no spoilers. Okay, well, that's kind of lame, because now you're just assuming that you're going to get whatever you're going to ask for. That's kind of rude.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not assuming, I just don't know 100%. Only have one thing Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:So you're still trying to decide.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because, I don't know, I kind of suck at my birthday. My birthday is right after Christmas. It's really difficult.
Speaker 2:You're going to be 15.
Speaker 1:No, I'm going to be 16. No, I know I do have drivers that done next to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, next, try Next try.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of tests in that class.
Speaker 2:I can't wait to take your permit, and then you can drive me all over.
Speaker 1:What do I tell them 16.
Speaker 2:Actually no 15. Permits at 15.
Speaker 1:But then just to drive like by myself. I had to be 16.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's true. So, no cap.
Speaker 1:What do you got going on?
Speaker 2:So I thought of a really great idea. Last week I had to go to Costco to get my meds.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I know you're taking that video game development class.
Speaker 1:Designing yes.
Speaker 2:Video game design class. That's a great idea for a video game. When I was at Costco.
Speaker 1:What is it?
Speaker 2:It is you get to ram everyone with your cart. Who pisses you off?
Speaker 1:What With your cart? Yes, so like you're driving this 20 years Bam Bam.
Speaker 2:Everyone who's being like everyone. That's being ridiculous.
Speaker 3:I cannot say that I know I know, I didn't mean to say it.
Speaker 2:Um, you can either just hit them, but I felt like I was in a video game, because in real life you can't hit the people that you want to.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm swerving in and out in between people and I actually didn't even have a cart. I was just getting going to the pharmacy, getting in, getting out, and I still wanted to like crash, get a car just to smash it in the people, Because people are just like, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, look at that. And then they have this cart that's like eight seats wide and you can't get past them and it's fun People are just like off in Lollaland Like, so I'm like Mackie could click.
Speaker 1:Oh, go to fly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, mackie could create a video game that's like shopping at Costco, but there's different objectives of, like you have to be able to get in and get out at a certain time. You have to be able to, like, get in certain departments and then either not hit anyone, or there should be like a bonus round where you get to hit as many people as possible and then you get a lot of points. Genius, that's a funny game.
Speaker 2:That's actually funny I would buy that game and I would play it every day. My rage, my rage game. I can't wait to get home and hit everyone on that cart in the Costco game Bonus round. Here I come, All right Well, today. Well, first of all, I have recorded some really exciting interviews. I did an interview with Mike Finnegan from TV show.
Speaker 2:Roadkill also has a YouTube channel and he does the show Finnegan's garage. So to all you hot rod people out there, that is for your genre. And I also did an interview with Eric Skog quest. Skog quest.
Speaker 1:Sto-d-quist. Sto-d-quist.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like Sk-d, eric Skog, quest Skog, and he is a Noka city council member, so I asked him a lot of good questions about the city of Anoka. So that's coming up. And then I just want to let you know that today we have a really good interview for you.
Speaker 1:What is?
Speaker 2:it and it is my new friend. Her name is Kit and she had a baby super early and has had some challenges. How old is she? That pregnancy? She's under 20s, oh yeah, yeah, she's older. I mean not as old as me, but not as young as you. So we're going to hear all about her story, all right, and yeah, it's going to be exciting, all right.
Speaker 1:Here it is All right, we'll see you later. Hey, on your bad behavior. On your bad behavior, hello.
Speaker 2:Today you're listening to another episode of on our best behavior, and today we are going to talk about preterm babies, rare birth defects and the challenging yet rewarding journey. We have a guest with us today who knows all about this. I welcome Kit to the podcast. Hi, hi, kelly. So, kit, tell us about who you are. What do you do, what do you love? Give us your story, yeah, so short version first.
Speaker 3:Yes, oh yeah, we'll condense it. Yeah, my name is Kit. I am my son's full time caregiver. I love reading and golfing and my dog Zeus. My family is awesome and my little guy, nash, is my best bud.
Speaker 2:So, fun fact, kit and I haven't met until today, and she's actually Carrie's best friend.
Speaker 1:And you don't know who Carrie is.
Speaker 2:Listen to the last episode. And, kit, you may not know this yet, but Carrie said we were planning to get together and have a drink sometime soon after this.
Speaker 3:Oh, fantastic, my favorite, she volunteered your time. I'm there after 8 pm on weekends because that's when I have a night nurse.
Speaker 2:Totally fine, okay, so today we're going to talk about Nash, who is your little guy, and we're going to start from the very beginning. So let's talk about your pregnancy. Were you trying to get pregnant? Was it a surprise? How did you find out? Let's tell me all about the beginning of Nash.
Speaker 3:Yeah, oh, what a trip. So I in like 2018, found out I have like a septate uterus, which means like a normal uterus is like seven centimeters and like five centimeters of my uterus is just like a wall basically of like muscle tissue. And so they were like this is going to be really hard for you to get pregnant, like it's just not viable Even if you do, like you're going to need a surgery, like and so I heard great, can't get pregnant. So I just like operated on that principle for several years and then was like getting kind of nauseous and had a lot of heartburn, but just shocked it up to like I'm in my 30s and you get nauseous and you have heartburn. And so I drove out to Michigan with my cousin for her sister's wedding and ended up in the rear view mirror really having motion sickness oh, and I thought was motion sickness but was actually morning sickness and so I'm like drinking my LaCroix, feeling kind of sick, whatever, I am at my cousin's wedding for a whole week with my entire family, and so I'm celebrating with some alcoholic beverages, having a great time, but I'm feeling kind of sick still. And so my cousin jokingly is like, oh my God, what if you're pregnant. And I was like I'm not pregnant.
Speaker 3:But then, like after a couple of bottles of champagne, we like got pregnancy tests and I threw it in my bike basket and like biked home and like decided to take a pregnancy test just to check and it was positive. And the day before I had dropped my phone in the lake. So I am by myself in my room with no one to tell about this positive pregnancy test and I just like log on to my computer. Figure out how you can log on to Instagram from your computer. I didn't know that. Figured that out. Message my sister, who I know is at the bar and I'm like you need to come home right now. I'm pregnant. And she was like Bible. And I was like oh my God, bible, you need to come home right now. And so she comes home and I'm like showing her the test and we're screaming at each other. We're so loud that my dad comes in the room because he's there too, and he's like girls, are you okay? And Emily, my sister just sits on the pregnancy test and she's like we're fine, dad, go away.
Speaker 3:And I'm like, yeah, dad, go away. And then we just like I remember laying on the floor and listening to, like Tracy Chapman, Fast Car, like a thousand times. And then that like YouTube video of like are you pregnant, or like too pregante, Like my sister, and I just like alternating between like hysterical laughing and then like panic, and then also my phone is dead and so I'm like, well, I can't communicate with anybody and I'm definitely not telling the baby's dad on Instagram like that's not what's gonna happen here. But then, like the next day goes by and we're on an island and I buy sorry, anyone who tried to take a pregnancy test that weekend.
Speaker 3:I bought all four pregnancy tests Because I was like here we go we're gonna make sure this isn't, and they were all positive, like through the course of the next two days. And then I'm like trying to hide the fact that I'm not drinking from my entire extended family and I had to eventually tell everyone because it was like have a drink with me and I was like I can't do that and I'm like why? And I'm like I just don't feel like it and that only gets you so far at a wedding. So I like told my entire extended family and like very close friends, before I even told the baby's dad because I couldn't get ahold of him because his phone was also broken. So it took me. I knew I was pregnant for about four days. Oh yeah, yeah, dad Nash is in the background hanging out Little buddy, hi Peanut.
Speaker 2:Oh, there he is. He's so cute.
Speaker 3:There you are, little guy hanging out back there. Yeah, so that was crazy. Yeah, so that was just like finding out I got pregnant and I just I didn't believe it. I was like you know, this is BS. I was told I couldn't get pregnant. My doctor lied blah, blah, blah. So I start like making appointments and figuring things out and I'm like, okay, this probably isn't real, this is totally fake. And so I am scheduled to like have my first appointment like a couple of weeks later, because I was about six weeks along and I was also teaching at the time. So I'm going back to school for teachers workshops and I'm like I'm secretly pregnant.
Speaker 3:No one here knows and it's gonna be fine, but the first day of teacher workshop I start having an insane belief and I'm like, oh my gosh, everything is what I thought was gonna happen.
Speaker 3:Like I'm having a miscarriage, this is what I expected. Like I didn't expect to actually be pregnant. And so then I go from like teacher training that ended at noon and I went immediately to the ER after that and spent like most of the night in the ER. It was like a horrible rainstorm and, like I have a dog, so I sent Nash's dad home to like let out the dog and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna like deal with this, I'll figure it out.
Speaker 3:Like okay, and there like there is a heartbeat, but you're having so much bleeding and your cervix is open, you're having a probable miscarriage. And I'm like, well, okay. So I'm like really, really bummed and like I was reading through my old journal today about like the saddest stuff I wrote on that day where I was like, and we lost you and all these things, and I was like calling the baby sprinkle because that stupid app says it's the size of the sprinkle. So like I'm like goodbye sprinkle. And I was like really, really bummed. So I go to like my actual first appointment I'm supposed to have the next day and find out that okay, yeah, there is no heartbeat anymore and I'm just, I'm so bummed and I'm like okay, well, life goes on, I'll figure this out.
Speaker 2:I told you there was no heartbeat, or you just were expecting them to say that. No, they told me there was no heartbeat.
Speaker 3:Like they did an ultrasound and they're like there's no heartbeat. You had a miscarriage and then they just leave you in a room by yourself and there's no support and you're just like bleeding out what it feels like and you're just then you just leave and drive home and then it's just like emptiness, and then it's so hard, there's just there's nothing. And I remember being so mad. I'm like one in four women have miscarriages and this happens all the time and we just send them on their way and don't even give them like group support or therapists, and like we just let them do all this work on their own. And I was just. I was so sad and livid, but then it was the first week of school, so then I switched gears and I'm so tired that I'm teaching sitting down, which is something I have never done in my life. I put all the kids in a circle because I'm an English teacher and I was like, okay, guys, chronicles of Narnia, like here we go.
Speaker 2:One of my favorite books of all time Lion Witch and the Wardrobe.
Speaker 3:Right, Greta Gerwig is directing the Netflix one, Like the Barbie director is gonna do the Netflix series. I'm pumped. I'm so pumped and so I'm just like chugging along trying to figure it out and I'm having, like I'm horribly sick still, Like I'm having the miscarriage symptoms and I'm still having pregnancy symptoms, and I was like I got it and then they make you go in for like a followup appointment about a month later. So a month later I go back in and I'm about like and they do all these tests, Cause I like go during my lunch break and I get four missed calls and they call my sister, Like I call my emergency contact.
Speaker 3:So when I'm finally done teaching for like the class period, I grab the science teacher and I'm like you have to cover my class For me. I have to go to the doctor right now and I told her I was having some like medical problems. And so I go to the doctor and I get all these tests done and they're like really concerned and being kind of weird. And so they basically tell me that instead of a baby, that my like the cells are growing into some sort of tumor. It's called a hyperbolic mole and you probably need chemo.
Speaker 2:Like a mole in pregnancy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then sometimes you need chemo or like a hysterectomy, and so that's like kind of what they're prepping me for cause my levels are all off, and so I'm like, okay, that's like the exact opposite of what I was expecting. So I cry all night and I'm like what's happening? And I go in again. I'm teaching, I like teaching.
Speaker 2:Now you're thinking like now I'm for sure probably never gonna have to be able to have a child because they're talking about taking my uterus out 100%.
Speaker 3:I was like this is. I had never felt so low in my life. On top of the fact that I'm not telling anyone, like it's basically a secret from everyone I know. And then I go in and this ultrasound tech is like doop, doop, doop, doop. I'll never forget she was wearing like these adorable purple scrubs and she's like doing the ultrasound and she's like there's the baby. I'm like it's not a baby, it's a tumor and she's like it's wiggling. And I was like and so I just cried and cried and cried and cried and I was like what's happening? And I call my sister and she thinks I'm like dying cause I have how intense my sobs are and I told her I might have cancer and all the stuff. I'm like there's a baby, there's a strip of baby, cause. What happened was I was pregnant with twins and Nash like tucked himself behind my septum and was fine and like what a confusing journey.
Speaker 2:Like you're pregnant, then you're not pregnant, now you're having a miscarriage, now you will have cancer and now you actually have a baby. What a whirlwind.
Speaker 3:In the span of nine weeks. I'm nine weeks pregnant at this point, and so I'm like, okay, like this miracle baby is holding on. I'm doing this like I am going to have this baby and so, for the first time, I'm like all right, like let's go, like I've pumped, I'm like gotta be a mom, everything's gonna be great. And then, truly, the next day they I do like another ultrasound and it just like you can sometimes just like pick up on vibes. That like shit's not good.
Speaker 3:And I remember like picking up on the vibes myself and again like sending Nash's dad who is with me. I'm like can you go give me a taco? I'm really hungry. Can you just go to Taco Bell across the street? I would really like some veggie tacos right now. And so they come into the room and they're like something's wrong, like the baby has a growth or a mass or whatever on his like belly area and I was like, okay, what does that mean? And they're like, well, we're gonna have to do some more tests and like figure this out, which is just insanity. So then, going from that to like I mean, I was happy for probably 24 hours not even like honestly 18 hours and still so much fear? Because hello, is anyone like not scared when they're pregnant? It's terrifying.
Speaker 2:Like, even if everything's 100% normal, it's still terrifying. Oh my God, like when you found out you were pregnant, were you like? I was. I was just in disbelief, right, like you said, you were on an island and you bought all the pregnancy tests that they had in stock, like, even though, like the first, you know it never goes back to negative, it really doesn't. You just need to really see it. I mean, I dug that pregnancy test out of that garbage 50 times, like, was I dreaming? Did I really see a positive?
Speaker 3:I know so.
Speaker 2:I get it yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're like this is, this can't be happening, what is going on. And so then I like it's a blur of like getting pushed along to all these specialists, and then I'm learning words I've never heard before, like and like the. So Nash had an emphalosil, is a giant emphalosil, which is like one in 10,000 pregnancies have a giant emphalosil, which I, yeah, so it's basically which I learned. I'm an English teacher. I don't know how I learned so much about like development. But here we are, like in utero, all of the babies and testins go into the umbilical cord and then form in the umbilical cord and then, like, kind of weave themself back in. Very cool, yeah, bodies, amazing Science, science. And in that process, with Nash's development, instead of his entire GI tract going back in, it formed in the umbilical cord, and so it basically was like a giant blob on his stomach that had intestine stomachs, like gallbladder liver, like they don't know what's in there Because you can't really tell. I mean, ultrasound images are blurry, as can be, and it's so tiny at that pregnancy.
Speaker 3:Yeah yeah, we found this out like nine weeks. He was nine weeks old and the emphalosil can sometimes be like congruent system or congruent symptom, with like a bunch of trisomies, which is also a word I didn't know something about. Like the way our genome is formed, some things don't like line together, so like trisomy 13, trisomy 13, trisomy 21,. Things that I was told not to Google but definitely did, and like went on so many wormholes of like what's going on, and so basically, I'm like well, I'm pregnant, but I could lose this baby at any second, and like I already lost this baby's twin and like this just still might not happen for me. So, on top of like that 12 week mark everyone wants to get to before they can start telling people they're pregnant, I am at like week 10 with already so many issues and just like so scared.
Speaker 2:Are they giving you a prognosis of Nash's gestation? Like is he? Are they saying like we don't know if you're going to be able to, if he's going to survive the pregnancy. We don't know if he's going to be born. There's a lot of unknowns at that time. Are they being transparent with you about that or?
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was like I don't want to say hopeless, but at no point it was anyone like it's going to be fine, no point. It was me like telling myself it's going to be fine. But it was like he could have this, he could have this, we're going to do this kind of testing or this kind of thing. And then, even like, as he was developing, it was like, okay, well, now his heart is sideways, so we have to do like a cardiac echo and you're going to be in the NICU for at least this long. So bear for that. And I was going to so many appointments for him You'll appreciate this I forgot to go to months of appointments for me. I just missed like three OB appointments and I was like what I'm going and they're like not for you. So then I was like whoops, it was so confusing and I was missing so much work, yes.
Speaker 3:Yes, yeah, and it's like who, in early motherhood, knows how to take care of themselves. Find me that person who like is good at self care.
Speaker 2:It happens all the time Like even after you have your baby you're like it's been how much time since I was at the dentist what I can't be right.
Speaker 3:When did I shower? Yeah, it was just like insane. And so then we're about. So then I'm like starting a little bit to show and I'm missing a lot of work for like and people are starting to notice and I get an email from my boss. That's like you're entering in your sick time, rob, and I'm like about that sick time though so that was I didn't tell my boss I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks pregnant, because I didn't know.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 3:I didn't know. I really don't need to know, no, they don't, and you don't really ever have to tell them. But I was like okay, I'm 18 weeks pregnant and it's not good, and like I have no idea what's going to happen. I had multiple times I was in the ER for bleeding. I had these like insane clots like my cervix kept opening.
Speaker 1:Like there was a chance you'd pop out of like any second.
Speaker 3:And so then I end up leaving my job halfway through the year because I'm like I don't know what's happening, like this is just my life. Now I have to take care of this baby and myself, and like had to walk away from teaching, which was impossibly hard, like saying goodbye to my students was gut wrenching, especially since I like didn't tell them why, because it's just too hard for middle school?
Speaker 2:They have no idea. They just probably have like some abandonment now 100%.
Speaker 3:I know I'm like you little sensitive souls. I love you so much and so hold on you. Good toot, yeah, we're good. Okay, yeah. So that's like so hard. And then it's like Christmas break and I'm pregnant and I'm bored. I'm like what am I going to do now? Like, what do you do when you have unlimited amount of time by yourself? Get in your head yeah, you watch Game of Thrones. I started Game of Thrones from the beginning. So I started Game of Thrones and I was like I guess I'm in this now, like I just that was my job. I just slept and ate and watched Game of Thrones.
Speaker 3:And then, like it's mid January and I start having, like you know, like if that's one advice I want to give to like women in medicine who are like trying to advocate for themselves, is like you know your body and like it is so important to like push people to listen to you. Because I knew that I was in labor five days before I had an ash, like I could tell things were weird. I tried to call, I tried to talk to anyone who would listen. I was like I'm high risk, my son has an infallible. I'm 25 weeks, like, and I went in and I got checked out and it was just like you know you're fine and that everything shows that you're fine. And then five days later, like I wasn't fine I, nash's birth story is like so again like I wasn't working. So I drove Nash's dad to get a haircut because my really good friend, holly cuts his hair, and so I tagged along but I had been having contractions for like two hours and I called. It was like I haven't contractions. No, call us again in two hours, if it's, if it's still happening, I'm like okay, whatever.
Speaker 3:So I remember like driving my Jeep, having contractions every 30 seconds and being like, oh, braxton Hicks, they're so painful and they're so fast. And like what is? I don't like this. And then we were like that's mid haircut and I am wandering around that salon like a crazy person, like I'm putting my leg up, I'm like vending over and I'm like gosh, this is weird. And I'm like Holly, where's your bathroom? And I like I pee probably like eight times. I'm like gosh, this is just iron, not comfortable. And I'm standing in the middle of the salon like doing a weird bounce and like out of a movie, just like my water exploded and this woman they are getting my haircut. She was like congratulations, sweetie. And I was like nope, 26 weeks was not good. I was like this is bad, I nope. And that and Holly are looking at me and I'm like dear in the headlights and Holly goes get in my car and drive me because she was already going to bring me to the hospital because, everyone.
Speaker 3:You didn't drive yourself, did you? No, no, no. And she was like her and her 17 year old daughter were my like delivery plan. Because I was like okay between the two of you, because I knew I was going to go early and, with the way everyone's schedules were in my life like my mom and dad were going to be out of town now, I was super busy with work, like everything. So she was going to bring me to the hospital. She was on the list and so she was like get in my car and driving and I we walk outside and I'm standing in a puddle, because it was like one of those weird 35 degree days in January. And she was like get out of the puddle, get into my car, what are you doing? And she like throws a blanket down and I'm like we're in between like hysterically laughing and like me calling people, because it's just like what are you doing? Trauma besides laughs, like it's funny.
Speaker 2:That's like you said. I laughed her trauma.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, that's why she and our best friends is because it's funny, our lives are hilarious.
Speaker 2:It's good you can look back and say that, because oh yeah, it was rough.
Speaker 3:And so we're going like truly 87 down 694 and this truck is tailgating us and honking at us and we were laughing. We're like we're the ones in a crisis. Where are you going? Like what's happening?
Speaker 3:And so like Matt's behind us driving my car, holly's driving me and I'm like, frankly, calling everyone, I know I like breeze past the security desk, try to check myself in upfront, and they're like you have to go back downstairs and check in. And I was like look at my pants. Like I was wearing gray leggings. I was like my water broke and they're like you're fine, go downstairs. And so I'm like huffing up to triage and like taking my pants off. I'm so pissed. This is dumb. I'm like it didn't believe me and I'm just sitting there like grumpy as can be and the nurse comes in and I'm telling her. I was like yeah, I went in five days ago. They didn't believe me that I was having things Like here's my chart. And she goes what antibiotics are you on? I was like none. She's like you have a bladder infection. I had an undiagnosed bladder infection for five days which can send you into preterm labor.
Speaker 2:I was going to say and it can also. It also if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy, it can present like your, you know it can present like you're having contractions. It can cause cramping, it can, yeah, so whole another, yeah, I mean that could go multiple ways.
Speaker 3:So people, lose babies because of bladder infections. Like it's. It's not good. Like advocate for yourself, believe in yourself. Like it's so easy with like doctors and other authority figures to be like they're right, they're the one who went to school, they know everything, but no one's more of an expert in yourself than you are, and so it's just like. So they tell me. Like yeah, you can, we'll keep you pregnant, You're not leaving the hospital till you have this baby like wills.
Speaker 2:Do they realize that your water broke or do they think you're leaking urine? They didn't.
Speaker 3:They didn't even look, cause I didn't have my pants on anymore. I just was like in the little thing and they're checking all this stuff. And then they're like, oh yeah, you've no amniotic fluid. It's like go time. And Nash was so deep in my birth canal, like it, it was awful. Um, like cause I stopped having contractions after my water broke, thank God, cause if I didn't, I would have had him in Holly's car, like I would just had him in the seat of the car. And so they're like it's go time and I I had a doula.
Speaker 3:She's amazing. I had her picked out early on, cause I knew I was going to have a complicated pregnancy. And Nash's dad is like not good in hospitals, like it gives him so much trauma. He has his own history with that. So I knew I was like I'm going to need a strong woman in the room with me who knows how to do this. And she, truly like she was in St Paul and I was in Rogers and we got there like they were running me back for my stat C section. And here comes Claire, like chasing after me. And I got her here, like what would I do without you? And so she's like the champion of my birth story, coming in and being like we got this brief and I'm like fucking comedian because I couldn't stop making jokes. I was the funniest person in the room. I literally they were like okay, they do the checklist of like everyone who's there and there's 40 people in the room. I was at the U. It's like a medical hospital, so everyone has a student with them, Right?
Speaker 2:Everyone's like oh, and then you feel like a science experiment, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So in the middle of the checklist, I'm like let's go, girls. Like I just I couldn't stop myself. I was like, and they were like we're putting you under. And I'm like sounds good. They're like just kidding, we found the heartbeat. He's awake, like you're awake for this.
Speaker 1:I need Xanax.
Speaker 3:I kept asking everyone. They're like do you need anything? I was like I need a Xanax, I need something Calm me down. I'm so freaking out. And they're like no, gotta be awake, got this.
Speaker 2:And I was like. I was like you just told me I was going to be asleep, like that's trickery.
Speaker 3:I was like holding on to Chad the anesthesiologist hand and I was like Chad, you have to get me the good drugs. He's like if you get through this honey, I'll get you whatever you need. I'm like Chad, please help me. Like he gets called to another, like even more intense C-sections of them. This new girl comes in and I'm like where's my guy? We had a deal, we had a deal Right. And she's like all of a sudden putting an IV in my hand and I'm like I already have an IV in this hand. Like why is there another IV happening? I'm like who, who, where are you coming from? What's going on? And you're already like strapped down. It's terrifying. Did you have a C-section?
Speaker 2:No, no, I almost did, but I had a vacuum. You have a vacuum.
Speaker 3:Oh, my God, you're just strapped down. You're strapped down, you have no feeling and you're wide awake and you can, you like, feel your second half jiggling, like you know. You're jiggling and it's also weird because you start breathing with your actual diaphragm, not your muscles, because your muscles are paralyzed. So then you feel like you're kind of drowning and like gasping for air and like the anxiety, and for me it was like the comedy and like I had to make jokes here, so you're making jokes.
Speaker 2:That's kind of like your coping mechanism. But, like are you at the same time thinking like I've had a really bumpy pregnancy and now I'm 25, 26 weeks having a baby, like now, what's going to happen? Because all of this is terrifying.
Speaker 3:I remember thinking over and over again just the word surrender.
Speaker 3:Like I remember going underneath some overpass and I drive through it all the time now like going to the cities and like for the 400 days I went to see Nash, I was like you know, surrender. This is my surrender spot. This is where I gave it all up. I'm like I'm not in control. This isn't for me to worry about. I am surrendering to whatever is going to happen. So, like the whole time I was like I can't do anything about this. I got us here. I am here Like I've done all I can do. This is something else I am surrendering and I just kept saying it.
Speaker 2:I was like here we are surrender that is so inspirational I need to work on that you know, you don't know, you can do it until it's like the only option that you have. I feel like it's been just beat in my head so much like never give up, never give up, never give up, and then that kind of like spirals into a like control situation.
Speaker 3:But yeah, sometimes you just have to surrender the best illusion.
Speaker 1:You can't yeah.
Speaker 3:It's. I mean, I struggle with it all the time. Still Like there's, I get so hard on myself still to this day of like what if I could have stayed pregnant one more week? What if, blah, blah, blah, like what if I would have advocated for myself more? And it just it's what's happening. Like it's just what's happening, it's just what happened. And like, here we are now, you know. So yeah, then two hours after I called the hospital, I had the baby and his liver was outside of his body and he took his first breath, like enrhumir, which is unbelievably cool, yeah. And then they intubated him and wheeled him away and I stayed there with my doula and I was like that was crazy shit. I was like, wow, cause the whole time they're doing like the emergency C section. They're like we could cut off at any time. It's going to be a T section. I'm like goodbye, body. Who needs a belly button? Nash doesn't have one. I'm going to lose mine too. You're like, hey, I got you babe, we're in this together.
Speaker 3:So I have like normal C section scars are like four inches, mine's like nine, and like crooked Like, and he came out sideways and like his arm was so purple cause he was like trying to get out, so he like, and then, unfortunately, cause of all of this, he had a brain bleed when he was born. So he had a bilateral, three, four brain bleed, which is like a hemisphere of your brain has two sides. Bilateral means both sides and four is the worst, and so we didn't know that at the time. It was just like he's alive, let's get through these next five minutes, let's get through this next hour, let's get through the night.
Speaker 2:And it was like yeah, Nash is like I guess it feels like a miracle. Like you know, when you're hearing a story, like usually don't know how it ends, but like just hearing him in the background, it just makes me smile because, like it ended, you know he's here.
Speaker 3:He's here and I remember like I was looking over all my old journals today and preparation for this and I was bawling because I was like, what if I never laugh with him? What if I never like? What if he never gets outside Like I? And he didn't. He was over a year old before he felt sunshine. Yeah, like.
Speaker 2:And you never would think about that. You know, not in that situation where your baby is, yeah, a year old, over a year old, and has never been outside.
Speaker 3:Yeah, on top of like the simultaneous grief, like the paradox of grief and joy that I just straddled, and like am still straddling between like because I'm a twin and my twin is my best friend in the whole world, so like the fact that my son was a twin and he doesn't get to experience that is like, he's fine, he gets plenty of attention, but it's still like something from my perspective where I'm like man.
Speaker 2:I mean, people don't know what they're missing, but you, you do know what he's missing.
Speaker 3:Right and it's just and that's everything. Like everyone deals with that stuff. Yeah, so Nash was born as liverwars. Outside his body he had a brain bleed. He had a PDA which is another word I never thought I would say besides like public display of affection, um but something happened with his heart patent ductus or something, heart and so I think that was his first surgery and then he had like 30 more surgeries after that Cause. Then we found out a brain bleed and they had to do brain surgery, put in a reservoir shunt again a word I didn't know I'd ever say which like monitor spinal fluid, which is something I hope no one ever has to see is like someone sticking a needle into their son's head and like draining up. You watched that, couldn't look away.
Speaker 3:I was like I became best friends with every nurse I could possibly and doctor. I was like I'm here and I'm part of this and we're all going to be friends because I'm going to. It was COVID. The only other person who could come was Nash's dad, and we couldn't even be in the room at the same time for like a while. And so 20, baby, uh, 2022, but it was still like peak surgeons, winter masking. Like Nash is so expressive with his eyes because, like, like he rolled his eyes before he smiled. He for sure he like knows how to be sassy and expressive. And like he is obsessed with eye contact, which is funny because he has a slight lazy eye, so, like, who knows if he's looking at you? Um, but yeah, it was.
Speaker 3:I got as involved as possible and with the way like a NICU has set up, you're not supposed to be there a year, so every week, like rotations of doctors come through. So it got to the point where I was like you know, new people come in. It's also a training hospital. Like there's this constant new rotation of people. And so then, all of a sudden, I was like hold up, how am I calling the shots here? Like I'm an English teacher. What am I doing, becoming an expert in everything related to my son? It was insanity. And I was like I don't want to be the quarterback. I kept saying I was like I'm not quarterback, I don't want to do this. I don't want to determine if my son needs a trick or not. I don't want to like say yes to another emergency surgery.
Speaker 3:We had to get a bigger binder for him because of all the paperwork I had to sign. Oh, my gosh, it was. It was insane. And so the highlight of that and being like as vulnerable as I was and alone as I was in that whole process, is like the nurses at the hospital Rachel, lea and Bethy are truly some of the nearest and dearest people to me. Like Nash's primaries are the best women. They taught me how to be a mom, like they were Nash's mom when I couldn't be. And he still like loses his mind when he sees them. Like he just wants snuggles and he knows them and he waves at them. And he's not two pound little Nash nugget anymore, he's 30 pounds, he's giant.
Speaker 2:How rewarding for them, like I would love that it is. Here comes our baby.
Speaker 3:Yes, and it is you guys. Like every Mother's Day, everything's giving and like you guys are my family. You got me through this Like it was unbelievable, because I you can't sleep at the NICU and you're sharing a room with 10 other babies and so and they're there on like 12 hour shifts For me some days I could only be there 15 minutes because I was trying to work and I was trying to like sleep and catch up and heal and like you're not supposed to drive after a C-section, you bet your ass. I drove to that hospital the next day.
Speaker 2:I was like, well, here we go, like no one's stopping me from seeing my baby. Yep and no theme.
Speaker 3:I drove through blizzards, I drove in like horrible, horrible traffic. I went at 6 am before my seven o'clock shift. I was like I, this is how I am a mother and this is how I will figure this out. But it was such a relief to like leave him with continuity of care of people who loved him so much and cared for him so much, and trauma bonded with him, as Bethy and I like to say, because he just put us all through the ringer. So what's it like?
Speaker 2:like you have. So I'll just reverse a little bit. You have your C-section, your baby's in the NICU, your baby's having surgeries and procedures, and then you get discharged, Like, okay, you get to go home, but now your baby? You don't get to bring your baby home with you. What's that like?
Speaker 3:What's it like having your heart outside your body? Like I am thankful that he is my first and I'm thankful that I don't know better and I don't know differently, because for me, this was just our story. Like, this is just how I am the mother to my child. I wasn't able to breastfeed, but I pumped, which is the worst, the absolute worst. I don't know how people do it. I hated it. Every three hours I just I had to buy a chest freezer, like it was, because he wasn't eating. He was getting fed TPNs, which is just liquid nutrition, and like every little drop they could get to him they would, and I filled up that freezer. I was a cow, I just was and I just was. So, yeah, yeah, you're a cow. This was so yes, yes, work out.
Speaker 3:And my goal was like I'm going to feed him for a year. I was like he's going to have my breast milk for a whole year and I'm going to do this, and like I set that goal. But then we got to around seven months and I was like, do math, he eats this, I can quit. And I gave myself permission anytime. I was like any day I want to quit, I can quit. Today can be the last day. And there was another nurse there I was pumping at the same time. We had the same pumping schedule and her son was born like two days before Nash. So when she came back to work and she was pumping and I was pumping, I told her I was like we can quit anytime. Oh, we can be done with this, we can walk away from this. It's like we don't have to do this. It's a choice, damn it. It's a choice. It's helping them. But yeah, it was. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:It was so hard she wasn't able to have breast milk, then how would they do that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so he got a G tube really early, which is a way they're fed through their stomach instead of through their mouth. So he got his liver put back in March 31st, which is a sentence I never thought I'd say. So he got his liver put back inside his body and when they did that they put a G tube in. So he was able to get like pretty much a half and half situation of like enough of my milk, enough of the vitamins he was supposed to get, and he had like so many, so they were able to mix those together and just put it through the tube.
Speaker 3:Yes, which was great, and so I was like it was nice to feel like I was doing something and I was part of it and I was connecting to him and I was giving him all the antibodies and I was giving him the best chance. It was like a thing I could do and a thing I could control, also like the worst thing. I hated that so much, but you do it. You do it for your kids. I am so impressed with so many women who do it much longer than I did and like and I have pumped in the worst place.
Speaker 2:You appreciate it more when you know what it's like Absolutely.
Speaker 3:And I have pumped in the worst places. I have pumped in outhouses, because I worked as a beverage cart and I was like I'm gonna explode, I need to do this right now. And I was like you're dripping everywhere, you know, and you're at work and you're like, hold on. I just this is how I am, it's whole.
Speaker 2:I have to have a pat on my crotch, a pat on my nipples.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, yes, and you're like he's added. I have a giant scar. I was like I just cut open. My heart is outside my body. It was, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:So yeah, it just and it was so it's a good way to look at it Like it was your normal.
Speaker 2:You didn't know any other way.
Speaker 3:No, I was like this is just our story and like this is just what's happening and all my son's alive, like, and he's so cute, he's so cute, he's so big, so like he's alive. And so when you see, I remember telling one of my coworkers I was like, well, when you see bottom, like, when you see what the bottom is, when you see your baby getting wheeled, when you have to say goodbye to your baby because you don't think they're gonna make it through surgery when they were four months old.
Speaker 3:Then it doesn't matter and everything else is pointless. You're like, well, he's alive, we got through that, and then we'll just get through the next thing, and we'll just continue to get through the next thing.
Speaker 2:Think about how many times you said goodbye to Nash in his short life, but he always said I'm still here.
Speaker 3:I remember telling a doctor cause he was like I don't know if we should do this surgery. I don't know what quality of life he's gonna have. He has air in his bowel, he's gonna die Like basically, he's giving me that your baby's gonna die talk. And I remember looking at him and being like, if Nash is still fighting, I'm still fighting, we're gonna do this surgery, we're gonna figure it out and he's gonna be okay. And this surgeon I mean he and I got into it.
Speaker 3:But he became again one of my best friends. But I was like, oh, but yeah, I was like if Nash is fighting, I'm fighting and I'm gonna do everything and I'm gonna give him every opportunity and I'm gonna walk away from my career and I'm gonna never sleep and I'm going to get him to every appointment and I'm just gonna figure it out, because he's my kid and he fought. He tucked himself up behind my septum to stay alive. He wasn't even supposed to be conceived. He, his liver was outside his body and he was like, screw you guys, I'm Nash, I'm showing up. No one's telling me no, yeah, and that's just who he is Like. He's just a fighter and he'll get through anything and he's so happy Like he's. I mean, he's been talking this whole time.
Speaker 2:I can't believe he hasn't been like I need you, like he's just content as could be over there. Oh yeah, that's 45 minutes.
Speaker 3:Well, it's nice that he has an entire mountain of my laundry to stare at. A lot of colors over there. Yeah, he's such a fighter and it's just crazy Like to celebrate his first birthday in the hospital, cause we eventually outgrew the NICU. It's the neonatal intensive care unit, so you're no longer a neonate when you're like over 28 days past your due date. So we like very clearly state over state are welcome.
Speaker 3:But it was amazing and like the nurses and the care and like the quality and like the amount of support these women gave me, especially when they told me like he needed to have a trach because he wasn't breathing and we had to take his breathing to bed.
Speaker 3:That decision I think he was eight months old but we had gone back and forth on it for a while and I'll never forget like staring at our OT Rachel's eyes and her being like this is the right call and I so she kind of prepped me before they like actually told me then I was in this room by myself wearing what I called my sadness hoodie, because I bought a sadness hoodie to be sad and it's like I'm wearing this giant hoodie and they're like he's getting the trach and I was like that's fine, but I have no support system, because I was like I don't have anyone who can help me with this. It's just gonna be me. We're gonna get stuck here for longer. Once you get a trach, there's a possibility you never get it out, and I was like everything is gonna be the worst. I can't believe you're doing this to me. And then they were like look, the therapy dog is here, cause I was so sad that they were like someone get Phoenix, so they brought in this giant great day.
Speaker 2:Did they understand your hoodie, like when you had that on, like, oh shit, it's gonna be a sad day.
Speaker 3:Yes, they understood the hoodie. They knew I loved the Phoenix, the therapy dog, and so they were like kids like freaking out let's bring her the dog and let's she's wearing her sadness hoodie and let's like comfort her and get her through this and they're like it's gonna be okay. And they were just. I mean, they were right, it was fine. But I'll never forget like crying and then like looking up and seeing like these great day in eyes, like at eye level with me, and I'm like what the fuck is happening. I'm like there's a dog here. It was crazy. Yeah, that was.
Speaker 3:It's so hard for me to even like trace back the timeline because he had basically like stomach, brain and breathing problems the whole time we were there, and heart problems too, I guess. So whenever I like I called it head, shoulders, knees and toes, whenever I'd call the doctor, I'd be like okay, brain, heart, lungs, stomach, we good, over and over and over again, cause I would call every day for updates or they'd called me. It was really exhausting. But, yeah, once we slowly started like checking things off the list and he was healing and he was growing and like we were stabilizing, like we were gonna go home like in June of 2022 and we didn't leave till May of 2023. So we I had had like several discharge meetings and then I was like so, when we were having our final discharge meetings, I was like yeah, whatever, we're not going See you in a month. We're never, leaving.
Speaker 3:I was like we're gonna be here forever. And then they gave us a date and they're like, okay, you can leave May 10th. And I was like okay. And then all of a sudden it was like wait, we're actually gonna go, like we're gonna do this, and I spent all that time like preparing myself, learning everything. I was like an expert in all this equipment, like it was go time.
Speaker 2:Are you just like I have to learn how to do this, or are you like I'm so scared, or both?
Speaker 3:Probably both, a little bit of both. I just I feel like the fear manifested in the weirdest ways. I was afraid till honestly last week that if I ever cut his hair I would cut into his brain. Someone would cut into his brain and he would die Like directly. I correlated the haircut to death. I was like it can't.
Speaker 3:And my twin finally grabbed him last week and she was like she's like go away, I'm cutting his hair. She was like I'll do a trim, it'll be fine. He has a horrible mat. Like you can't live like this. You're spending all your time brushing his hair. Like let me cut his hair. And so I locked myself in her bathroom and I like had a slow panic attack and I came out and he's fine, he looks cute, it's great. But my mom held him and my twin cut his hair because I like anxiety is the funniest thing.
Speaker 3:It's so strange and I also thought, if I like wasn't watching his like pulse oximeter the thing that tells you his heart rate and his oxygenation level that he would die. So for the first 48 hours he was home, I like stared at his numbers. I didn't sleep for 48 hours. I was like and I stayed on the floor of his room with him for 10 days because we didn't have a nurse. I left the hospital. I convinced the hospital to send me home without a nurse, cause I was like I'm capable, I can do anything. I've done this. We're not staying a minute longer. And I was working with all these agencies. Like there were people in the pipeline.
Speaker 2:So you were like we are going home.
Speaker 3:I am ready to go home.
Speaker 2:I've been ready to go home. How do we get home?
Speaker 3:I'm doing it 476 days and I was like not a minute more, when can we leave? Like it's go time and we did it Like I don't know how. It was awful, like I was a crazy person. He lived, I lived five days in my mom and I had to do an emergency trach change because he clogged it and we were shaking Like, we looked at each other and we were like, oh my God, and then we had to do like several emergency trach changes within those first two weeks because it just kept clogging and then he would like we'd have to save his life no-transcript. But then it just becomes normal, which is insanity.
Speaker 2:How do you know? How do you know? In like something like that's happening with a trach for people who don't know. I feel like a lot of people don't even know what a trach is, let alone how does that get clogged. Why do you have it?
Speaker 3:Yeah, sure, okay, so a trach is short for tracheostomy. It's a breathing tube like pretty much inserted and directly into this office so it bypasses your entire like mouth and nose, like system of breathing, and so it's basically a hole in your neck that you hook up to a machine that breathes for you. But the thing with this device that you're inserted into your esophagus is that it has like its own system and its own hole. I gotta get him a toy one second. No, you're fine, hi.
Speaker 2:Chintu. Oh he's so cute back there. I think like it's pretty impressive that we've been recording this long and he's just contentoscopy.
Speaker 3:Yes. So it's like a hole in your neck and you breathe in and out of it with a machine. And then when we went home, for 15 minutes a day he could be on a Passey Mirvau PMV for short which is a little purple cap that goes on the end and basically just acts as a second set of vocal chords. So he basically would breathe with this machine and I had him hooked up to another machine that would tell me if he wasn't breathing. It would just flash numbers, turn red, terrifying. Also, their low battery alarm is the same as the I'm dying alarm, which, like, come on, design people Like what engineer thought that was okay because, yeah, let's freak you out even more.
Speaker 3:Oh, it's like I'm dying. Just kidding, it's the machine, not the baby. Just, great, minority, easy, great, yeah. So a trach is like a way you can breathe without using your mouth and it's also something that when you have a chronic lung disease, which Nash did, from being born so early and being born with his liver outside of his body, his diaphragm isn't really in the right spot and, on top of all that, when we put everything back in, he was so little that his muscles aren't connected. So he has top abs and bottom abs, but not middle abs Instead he-.
Speaker 3:He can only have a four pack. He can only have a four pack and it's very strong and in the middle of it is a lot of scar tissue, and so he needed to get this tracheostomy because he needed to start doing like normal baby things, like trying to sit and trying to move and like being on his stomach things he really couldn't do and so that was like a hard part to come to terms with. But once he came in, it's like actually amazing, because if he ever gets sick, I can like immediately hook him up to oxygen. I have a way to access his airway Like he's, because I've become such an expert in all the systems like he's gonna be fine as long as I know how to do it, which I was. Like I will learn every nuance of this thing so I can figure it out. So yeah, I'm now I'm an expert in trachs, which is insane.
Speaker 2:Wasn't on your bucket list.
Speaker 3:I bet Nope neither with a G tube, like and it was. The irony on irony is is I'm still like. So Nash left the hospital May 10th, may 13th, I graduated from grad school. Jesus, yeah, oh my gosh, I obviously didn't walk. You're a superwoman. I obviously didn't walk because I couldn't bring my baby and, like I wasn't sleeping, I was in. No, but I, through the midst of all of it, was like I'm gonna finish my master's degree in teaching something I wanna go back to school in, but at the same time, I feel like I'm getting a nursing degree because I'm doing all these like intense medical things, like it's crazy.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of medical things that medical people don't know how to do.
Speaker 3:No, no, it's like I hope I never have to change an ostomy bag again and I don't look it up. It's disgusting.
Speaker 2:It's just not fun. You know what happens when you tell people not to Google kid, oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Refeeding stool also don't look that up. Learned how to do that. Don't love it. Yeah, not great, Not great. Yeah, but like through all of it, Nash was such a trooper and he was so funny Like that little peanut would just be so silly, and he learned how to play peek-a-boo really early and like cognitively he's pretty much on track with like a stereotypical two year old. So like he says mama and he babbles and he like plays with me, which is something I mean when you have most of your brain, the guy I've seen his scans there's no way he should talk to me, there's no way we should interact, there's no way he should even be able to move all his body parts and like here he is doing all those things because neuroplasticity is amazing and Nash is a little badass. It's pretty fantastic, yeah. So we're just like chilling at home. We have so many appointments a week and like my sister lives with us, which is just a blast because then I can nap.
Speaker 2:That's awful, and plus it's like your friend, you know. And she you know she loves him. It's her family as well, so and do they have best friends?
Speaker 3:I mean, it doesn't get better than that?
Speaker 3:It's fantastic and like we have. We got so fortunate because when eventually, we started getting nurses in our home, I was like, oh my God, people in the house, they don't know what to do. I feel uncomfortable with this. And then it was like they're all amazing, like our nurse Maddie I'm texting her right now. I texted her 24 seven. She is amazing. She has a stocking on our fireplace with us Like I'm like if you're gonna spend 40 hours a week in my house, you better be family, because I won't be able to function without this. So she is like. I always joke that Nash gets three moms, because the three of us are always just like you know. We got mumbling through the world together. Like if I go a place without her, I'm like I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be in public by myself. I was like I'm making weird noises, like I don't know who do I talk to.
Speaker 2:It is so hard because, yeah, it's just things that you don't even think about. And yeah, if you, I mean, I remember when I had my son he was a winter baby and there was, he was fine, right, I didn't really have any barriers, but I was terrified, like what if he cries in public? What if he has a blowout in public? What if he's hungry in public? What do I do? And I remember my mom was like it's fine, that's what happens. I was like I don't know, no, I can't do any of these things?
Speaker 3:Yeah, public is terrifying.
Speaker 2:I can't imagine going through. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Public is terrifying.
Speaker 2:People like looking at you and judging you and then like what's wrong with your baby? And you know it's just like you just want to. Mackie, my son had to have a helmet when he was younger.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, we have ours. I have ours up like a little trophy and I feel like you know my son is almost 15.
Speaker 2:So at that time, like it was not, you didn't see it.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 2:And people would whisper and I was so insecure and I would be like, do you have a question? I think they'd be like no, no, Don't stare if you don't want to ask.
Speaker 3:Oh, my favorite thing is when people ask me if Nash is okay because he has an eye patch. I'm like, yeah, he's got a lazy eye. I was like do you want to see anything else? I was like nothing underneath that shirt's going well. I was like, but that's concerning to you, what? But people, mackie, for us like he has such a straight face.
Speaker 2:I saw this on Instagram and I thought it looked so cute.
Speaker 3:I know they have like little pretzels.
Speaker 2:I asked Keri because I'd seen pictures of him, yes, and I was like that's kind of like a sticker, so it actually stays on. Oh yeah, it's great. But I asked Keri because I'd seen pictures of him and his eyes looked fine to me and so I'm like, why does Nash wear eye patch sometimes? And she's like, oh, he just has a little bit of a lazy eye, he has a lazy eye and he is now full toddler.
Speaker 3:So he like I have given up patching, like my ophthalmologist don't listen to us, but like he just rips it off, it lasts 15 seconds tops, which is great, cause I'm like I want to find motor skills to work. So I'm like, yeah, he can tear off a sticker.
Speaker 2:It's fine. And isn't he going to have surgery for his lazy eye? Did he just sneeze?
Speaker 3:Yeah, he just sneezed In the best world. Everything is changing for us. January 12th. He gets his trach out, he gets his lazy eye fixed and he gets a like sedated hearing test. He can hear fine, he just has a lot of wax so they also have to do that. So we're doing like a bunch of surgeries in the middle of January, before his second birthday. He's getting like his tonsils removed, his adduids removed, like we're giving him every opportunity to just like thrive and grow and just like figure it out.
Speaker 2:That is so exciting, cause you said earlier like you were worried that he would never get that trach out, and now things are turning around.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they said best case scenario, you'll have it for two years. In worst case scenario, you'll have it forever. And we're coming in a year and a half and he's thriving and doing great. And I? I don't have him hooked up to anything right now I'm doing great. I'm doing great. You're a little baddie, little buddy, like he's so incredible.
Speaker 2:So what does the future look like him? Kindergarten, middle school what does that look like?
Speaker 3:You know, follow surprises, it's. It's fascinating in so many ways when I even when I was looking back on my journals today to see how much farther he's come and how much he's surpassed the expectations I even had for him, because truly I was like, if he's alive, we'll figure it out. And not only is he alive, he's hilarious and he is thriving. And like he can't sit on his own for more than 15 seconds, but I never thought he'd sit. And like he, he can't use his right hand very well, but he can still kind of use it and he can say mom, which I just I never thought he would say. So like when I look at what I thought the future would be even six months ago, to what it is now, I'm blown away. And so my goal for him is to get him as many opportunities as possible and to give him every ability to succeed.
Speaker 3:And I've applied for grants and I like in his caregiver so I can spend all these time with him and I can like put him in this the amount of medical equipment I have in my house, like I have a standard where I like plop him in so he can, like he's strapped down like Hannibal Lecter, it's terrifying. And then he like practices standing and then I have like a little it's almost like a pre-work wheelchair that I like strap him in so he can practice that. So it's like I've given up all my decor to support all of his giant medical equipment. I have like peanut balls and stairs and like all these things for him so he can do whatever he's meant to do and whatever that is, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 3:Like, if he has a wheelchair, we'll figure it out If he has. You know, if mom is the only word he says, I'm the luckiest mom in the world, like it'll be what it is. Like he's surprised me so much oh, my God, he just burped. He surprised me so much already, so he's only gonna continue to surprise me. So yeah, future is wide open. So yeah, just kind of a day by day situation.
Speaker 2:And yeah, he's so cute, as is everyone.
Speaker 3:Like you never know the future is you never know. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean some people have zero barriers and throw their future away. So there's that. There is absolutely that, yeah.
Speaker 3:Is there anything else you?
Speaker 2:wanna share with the audience. I think we have a lot of people who are like is there anything else you wanna share or advice that you'd wanna give?
Speaker 3:You can do hard things. Like it's so easy to be like how could I possibly do this? How can I figure this out? And I think within everyone, especially mothers, it's like you'll do anything for your kid. And like the overwhelming love I have for Nash and the ease it is for me to make the decisions that, like benefit him, I feel really lucky to like not feel any resistance there and just be like, oh, this is what Nash needs, so I'm gonna do it. Like I'm not gonna sleep, I'm not gonna. You know, I'm gonna make sure he gets all the meds and all his appointments and all the grants and all these things. It's like you can do hard things Even if you like we're capable of so much more.
Speaker 3:The only limits we put on ourselves, or the only limits we have, are the ones we put on ourselves. That and like take care of your mental health. Shout out to Lexapro. Like anxiety is real, depression is real. Like get yourself the help you need, because if you can't, it's gonna destroy you. Like there were so many days I couldn't leave bed or couldn't figure it out and I was like this is an issue and gotta take care of it. Therapy is amazing. Like if you need help, the hardest thing to do is ask, because then you're there and then someone else is telling you how to help yourself. But asking for help is the hardest part.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think. Once you do realize that you need the help and you ask for it, you think why didn't I do this a long time ago? And therapy makes you feel so validated, like you feel, so alone and you're not.
Speaker 3:No, and it's like the community is out there if you let yourself be open to it, like the amount of medical moms who have stepped up and like saved my ass several times when I'm like I can't do this. This is so hard, and they're like you can do it, I did it. Like we're in this together, anything you need. Like there are so many amazing, amazing things happen when we can help each other. It's incredible, like I just I feel really lucky to have all the support that I do, so we can't get through anything alone.
Speaker 2:What's next for you, Kit?
Speaker 3:I hope I teach again, I hope I do less medical things and like talk about Narnia and Anna Bringables, wouldn't that be?
Speaker 2:nice, you're not taking a turn and going into the medical field.
Speaker 3:If I would, I think I'd become a child life specialist. Those jobs are so cool and, like I am, I'm sure I will never return to teaching the same way I did before, because my life is. I've lived such a different life, so I hope I teach. If that's in a classroom or if that's like in a different capacity, so be it. But that's a goal I have for myself to get back to it and golf more than two rounds in a year. Talk to you later. It's my favorite thing and I did twice last year.
Speaker 2:Well, now you could probably bring Nash along this summer.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, he'll love it. Yeah, except for he's a little hot box. He hates being warm. Winter is his time.
Speaker 2:I hate being cold and I hate being hot, like there's no, oh yeah, there's California, here I come. Yes, oh, my gosh Um where can we find you and how can we help Nash?
Speaker 3:Um, yeah, so I wrote everything down in a caring bridge. Uh, it's just underneath Nash Warnert. Um, yeah, there's a whole, there's like almost 90 journal entries there. It is, whew, some heavy stuff. Um, so, yeah, that's where Nash and I are, that's where I update things about both of our lives, truly, um, and then I think there's a link to our GoFundMe on there and like all these other resources that we use as well. Um, but, yeah, that's kind of where we are. We're on caring bridge.
Speaker 2:Kit, thank you so much for talking about your story and sharing it, because there's so many people that we want to know, but we don't want to feel like assholes and asses.
Speaker 3:I'll talk to anyone anytime. I'm like you want to hear some crazy things. I'm like pregnancy not what it's cracked up to be. I can tell you that.
Speaker 2:Right, well, I appreciate you and you are so inspirational and I've learned a lot in this hour and I still like the whole. You know it's okay to just surrender and let it be, and I'm going to let you and Nash have a great rest of your day and your weekend and thanks for sharing his story and let me watch him for this interview. He's so cute back there, he's so cute.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much, kelly, I really appreciate you.
Speaker 2:All right, we'll see you soon. Bye, oh, so that was kid. Her story is. It's just so touching and I just wanted to provide just a little quick summary and some takeaways that I had.
Speaker 1:So no.
Speaker 2:Anyway. So take away, make sure you always advocate for yourself, trust your instincts when it comes to your health and especially your pregnancy, and always know that if somebody tells you that your chances of getting pregnant are slim to none or you probably can never get pregnant, that is not true. Unless you don't have a uterus, you can always get pregnant, even if the chance is slim.
Speaker 2:So make sure that you don't depend on some kind of medical reason. They tell you that it might be unlikely. It is always possible. So do you have a? Would you rather? For me, no.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm kidding. Why'd you say okay?
Speaker 2:Because I know you're lying, all right.
Speaker 1:Are you ready for it?
Speaker 2:I'm ready for it.
Speaker 1:All right. Would you rather sing every time you open your mouth or never?
Speaker 2:talk again. Oh, sing every time I open my mouth. You know I already do that.
Speaker 1:Really. Yeah, karma is my boyfriend I would have to talk, so I'm gonna have to sing every time I talk, are you?
Speaker 2:singing. I'm singing here. What are you singing? So the next thing you say you have to sing it.
Speaker 1:I guess I'll just start listening to songs to see what I'd be able to say. You can make up your own words when it means I like sing. Every time you talk like, every time you're gonna say something, it has to come from a song.
Speaker 2:So you're gonna say like thing and that's like you have to say thing from a song, so you can't just sing what you were gonna say. You have to have a lyric from a song.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, that's like a lyric from a song, okay.
Speaker 2:That's a really funny joke for you.
Speaker 1:All right, let's hear it, are you?
Speaker 2:ready Too soon Aw. All right, here it comes. Ha ha, and I'm kidding why should you give a habanero a sweater? It's a little chilly Get it, you're funny. Habanero a little chilly sweater. That's funny. I think that might be the first funny joke that I've ever had, that you actually laughed.
Speaker 1:That was probably the funniest one, though I don't know if you're funny, I'm funny, you did say it's one of the things your favorite thing about me is how funny.
Speaker 2:I am Okay, stop. Okay. Okay, I'm kidding, all right, thank you for listening to another episode and you will get to hear our voice again next week. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Speaker 1:Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow.